Leaving self-pity on the bench

Struggling with so much negative thoughts of unappreciation and misery and forgetting where my true boss and true reward lies; to remind myself that He sees what no one else sees. I’m a terrible work in progress, but faith is what will keep me going.

Faith

Is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This verse from Hebrews 11:1 has always been something I have reminded myself on, but truly living this out is much more painful than what I remembered.

I think throughout these months, being stuck in work politics took a toll on my mental wellbeing, but more than purely affecting me emotionally and mentally, it also affected me spiritually – in the sense that I had to listen to so many sides and keep neutral, but it was hard to, I started to rely more on earthly authority than the Lord.

But the greatest blow when I thought it was all going to be resolved and even got an official confirmation, only for it to be taken back from me a mere 3 working days later. It was as if whatever I went through the past few months didn’t matter at all.

I was back to square one.

Why? Until today, deep down inside of me, there is this question I so badly want to shout to the skies to ask. Why would this happen to me? Something i worked so hard for and so motivated towards?

But even deeper within myself, there is something even stronger than “why?” God’s call to trust Him – in the midst of struggling, of wanting to quit, wanting to give up and losing motivation – still rings and reminds me if this simple word: Faith.

No matter how much I cry or rant or ask why, I will continue to remain confident in the Lord, and to see where He takes me to next. And till then, I can only rely on Him as my source of strength, motivation and wisdom to get through each day.

Lost friendship

Sharing snippets of a conversation with someone whom I thought was my friend… or so I thought.

“Hey thanks for sharing, we did guess you were probably uncomfortable discussing things like XXXXXX so we wanted to steer clear of those topics when we next meet but we didn’t know it had already affected you so much..” >>> Better late than never, right? You could have felt that from the beginning back in Nov 2018, where you guys spoke those words that made me feel like a complete loser and so humiliated. Only realising it now because you guys were so in your little dreamland of your own…

“Just wanna say, we value this friendship and no matter what, we will be here when you’re ready to come back to us! I respect that at this moment we are not your priority but at least I now know what’s going on..” >>> I never left you guys. You guys chose to leave me and ostracise me. You guys are not my priority? I was never your priority since Nov 2018. Why would I not move on and wait for you guys to actually think and remember me? Am I a fool in your eyes? Do you think I can trust that you guys will be there when I’m ready to come back to us? I’ve lost you all since 2+ years ago.

All I need is just a simple apology, but instead, you made me lose faith in this friendship. I’m glad I spoke the truth to give me freedom, and thanks for making me grow wiser from this stumbling block of my life.

How long more

Too much change, too much politics, too much being emotionally involved and caught up in this tangled mess. I thought it would be finalised soon but it has already changed thrice, would it change a fourth?

I’m confused, I’m worried, I’m scared, I’m uncertain.

But I’ll continue to hope and wait on the Lord to walk me through this phase, for my season to come, and that when I have reached where He has brought me to, I’ll see that it was all worthwhile for Him after all.

Fresh Start

It’s some sort of a new beginning whereby setting boundaries and detaching myself from what’s toxic and unhealthy to look back at myself and finding back that spark that I’ve lost as a result of my foolishness. I hope to one day look back at this and smile at what I’ve accomplished by the grace of God 🙂

My identity forever is Yours

“We are not citizens of the world finding our way to heaven. We are citizens of heaven navigating this world.”

“Therefore, when you are in that storm or struggle, don’t look at the storm/struggle (of the world), look to Jesus (of heaven).”

What an encouragement to the end of this lovely day with Pastor’s sermon. Started off the day with an awesome and much needed time spent with great friends, ended off with a reminder of God’s love for us as His children 💕

My God delivers

Its not everyday when you get thrown a seemingly impossible task right after cruel, mean words have been thrown at you, allowing you to sink into a state of insecurity and despair. Perhaps it was a reminder of the pride I had subconsciously allowed to creep into my heart and God’s way of purging it out, or when I tried to shoulder the burdens that were too big for my own human capabilities to handle.

It has been a rollercoaster ride the past month, but through the days where I thought of giving up or just cried in despair, God never failed to remind me – through His Word or prayer or the friends He placed around me – that I am not alone, that I can trust in Him, that He will guard and protect me.

Today was a day of deliverance for me where I truly felt God’s grace; proving to me that by trusting in Him and not shouldering the burden on myself, He really paved that way for me and reminded me that “with man it is impossible, but all things are possible with God”. I have really felt that amazing grace and am filled with gratefulness and love for Him.

But at the same time, God placed upon my heart a reminder that while He had led me through the darkness, I am not to become proud and to remember that God was the one who allowed me to be where I am today, and I still need to correct the hints of pride in my heart and to continually humble myself in surrender to Him. Indeed, the reliance of God will change one’s heart to be more humble and dependent on Him, and also to trust deeper in Him.

This is only the beginning of a difficult journey ahead, but I’ll continue to put on the suit of armour of God, and learn and grow through this journey of faith 💕

Ending my thoughts by sharing the lyrics of this song that I’ve clung onto during the struggles of the past month:

Hills and Valleys (Tauren Wells)

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I’m standing on the mountain aft, didn’t get there on my own
When I’m walking through the valley end, no I am not alone!
You’re God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

200815 Dear God,

Today, I choose to take hold of those cruel, mean, horrible words uttered from her mouth – these lies planted by the devil, and I firmly reject these words in Jesus’ name.

Today, for all the anxiety, the anger, the sadness, the suffering, the pain that she has caused me through those falsehoods and lies; I refuse to let them control me, and I will not let my emotions overrule, I will not dwell on them.

Today, I reject every desperate thought of giving up and forgoing everything; instead, I will persevere in faith, for I am running this race not for my job, not for that woman, but for Christ Jesus.

Today, I reaffirm my hope in Jesus Christ, our living hope.

Hallelujah Praise the one who set me free; Hallelujah, death has lost its grip on me; You have broken every chain; there’s salvation in Your name, Jesus Christ, my living hope.

With love, Your precious daughter.

Getting out

Source: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-to-be-insecure-for-the-rest-of-your-life

“What I find interesting is that you woke up, you felt the insecurity, and you had the instinct to know it was a mistaken understanding of the goodness of God.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because I know when I feel that way that that is kind of my heart rising up and then that is why I need to go to Scripture every single day. I am going to wake up like that so often and that is why I definitely need Scripture to correct me in that every day.”

Found this gem article while I asked God to bring me out of this cycle; and God is always so good. 💕

Anchored

Been on a slippery slope of insecurity the past few months in so many different aspects; and today just proved to be one of the days where it just struck me – why do I care so much to seek the approval of a mere person in this world, or comparing myself with others? You’ve showed me time and again that it is not the word of men who defines us, but our identity in the You. We cannot depend on the others words’ of praises or criticisms to drive ourselves up/down. We are all beautifully created and unique in our own ways.

These are times where I am just so weary and drained and struggling to cope with my own emotions amongst other things that make me realise that I am losing sight of God; I fight to distance myself and seek solace in His embrace. To allow comforting words during worship to overpower the haunting words that ring in my ear along the lines of “you are NOT good enough”.

Perhaps its that perseverance that I need to build up again after the good times, forgetting my past and how I’ve been brought through to greener pastures; I know not to be defeated, for my hope is not in the successes of this world, but in the Lord. So I continue to remain anchored and safe under His mighty wings, and my heart will not be defeated 💕