More than a month has passed.
Not sure how much it has healed. The grief comes back in overwhelming waves at times.
It turns out I suck at pretending everything is okay. One noticed I looked stressed, two others noticed I lost weight.
3kg in 3 weeks. I did not know that this would hurt so bad. And I dont ever want to go through this again.
But amidst this, I will continue to hope. Hope keeps me smiling amidst the pain, keeps me going knowing the promises ahead of me in being faithful.
2024 has been a year full of “surprises”, so to speak. Once in jan, another in feb.
Change is commonplace, only He is constant.
It’s still painful, but its getting better, I hope.
Sometimes the grief floats back in little waves, sometimes it overwhelms like a fierce storm; the anguish floods the heart.
I wonder why I look back at a past that I know can never happen again; and why do I wish to go back?
Familiar comforts, maybe undesired feelings that have grown used to.
But I’ve made that choice, I have to let go, I choose to walk in the light.
So let me heal day by day, till one day I can look back with a smile, and know that this has all been part of His plan.
The worst part is it isn’t even about me.
Onslaught struggle for the past 4 years or so… only for it to receive some closure (not sure good or bad?). But one thing is for sure, I choose God, and as I rely on Him to heal me through this entire fiasco, I can only hope I will emerge from this glorifying Him in all that I have accomplished.
Lord, hold onto me and don’t let go
Restore me, heal me
Break these chains
Struggling with so much negative thoughts of unappreciation and misery and forgetting where my true boss and true reward lies; to remind myself that He sees what no one else sees. I’m a terrible work in progress, but faith is what will keep me going.
Is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This verse from Hebrews 11:1 has always been something I have reminded myself on, but truly living this out is much more painful than what I remembered.
I think throughout these months, being stuck in work politics took a toll on my mental wellbeing, but more than purely affecting me emotionally and mentally, it also affected me spiritually – in the sense that I had to listen to so many sides and keep neutral, but it was hard to, I started to rely more on earthly authority than the Lord.
But the greatest blow when I thought it was all going to be resolved and even got an official confirmation, only for it to be taken back from me a mere 3 working days later. It was as if whatever I went through the past few months didn’t matter at all.
I was back to square one.
Why? Until today, deep down inside of me, there is this question I so badly want to shout to the skies to ask. Why would this happen to me? Something i worked so hard for and so motivated towards?
But even deeper within myself, there is something even stronger than “why?” God’s call to trust Him – in the midst of struggling, of wanting to quit, wanting to give up and losing motivation – still rings and reminds me if this simple word: Faith.
No matter how much I cry or rant or ask why, I will continue to remain confident in the Lord, and to see where He takes me to next. And till then, I can only rely on Him as my source of strength, motivation and wisdom to get through each day.
Sharing snippets of a conversation with someone whom I thought was my friend… or so I thought.
“Hey thanks for sharing, we did guess you were probably uncomfortable discussing things like XXXXXX so we wanted to steer clear of those topics when we next meet but we didn’t know it had already affected you so much..” >>> Better late than never, right? You could have felt that from the beginning back in Nov 2018, where you guys spoke those words that made me feel like a complete loser and so humiliated. Only realising it now because you guys were so in your little dreamland of your own…
“Just wanna say, we value this friendship and no matter what, we will be here when you’re ready to come back to us! I respect that at this moment we are not your priority but at least I now know what’s going on..” >>> I never left you guys. You guys chose to leave me and ostracise me. You guys are not my priority? I was never your priority since Nov 2018. Why would I not move on and wait for you guys to actually think and remember me? Am I a fool in your eyes? Do you think I can trust that you guys will be there when I’m ready to come back to us? I’ve lost you all since 2+ years ago.
All I need is just a simple apology, but instead, you made me lose faith in this friendship. I’m glad I spoke the truth to give me freedom, and thanks for making me grow wiser from this stumbling block of my life.
Too much change, too much politics, too much being emotionally involved and caught up in this tangled mess. I thought it would be finalised soon but it has already changed thrice, would it change a fourth?
I’m confused, I’m worried, I’m scared, I’m uncertain.
But I’ll continue to hope and wait on the Lord to walk me through this phase, for my season to come, and that when I have reached where He has brought me to, I’ll see that it was all worthwhile for Him after all.
It’s some sort of a new beginning whereby setting boundaries and detaching myself from what’s toxic and unhealthy to look back at myself and finding back that spark that I’ve lost as a result of my foolishness. I hope to one day look back at this and smile at what I’ve accomplished by the grace of God 🙂
“We are not citizens of the world finding our way to heaven. We are citizens of heaven navigating this world.”
“Therefore, when you are in that storm or struggle, don’t look at the storm/struggle (of the world), look to Jesus (of heaven).”
What an encouragement to the end of this lovely day with Pastor’s sermon. Started off the day with an awesome and much needed time spent with great friends, ended off with a reminder of God’s love for us as His children 💕
Threads of Harmony 